May 29, 2005

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  BLOODY MOON – Part 4

  
  

  I turned my body around completely, and stared at that weird man.  Sadness still lingered in his eyes although a fake smile was on his lips.  I thought even if this man over heard the gossip about his marriage he could not be sad a bit more.  His forlornness seemed permeated forever into the marrow of his bones.  I did not know why but I wanted to hold his hands so my little sadness could be mixed with his larger sadness.  Then, I started to talk to him about the little island.  Did you ever see that island.  I always joked to my brother that I would swim over to the island when I was sad, gathered the dreaming seaweed, wore around my neck to bring it back here.  His was dead pan serious: “Tomorrow I will realize that dream for you.”  - “I am not sure you are able to do that.”  “Do I look that weakly mushy?” – “No, but you seem to be weighed down by a an undefined sadness.  No one can swim with a large stone on their back.” – “Then, I will temporarily leave it home.” – “Why don’t you throw it away to be free.  Do you still value it that much?” – “It is a part of my life.  No one can severe their flesh and bones.  If they do, some other sadness will spring up.  Unless I die…”

  
  

   

  
  

  For a while there was a silence.  Then, I asked: “You must love her a lot?”  His voice was extremely cold: “Do you need to know that?”  I apologized: “Maybe because she is so beautiful.  I am obsessed with her.  And I am a little annoyed to see both of you are not happy.  Gossip!” – “Do you believe in rumors?” – “I hate them but there are always some truth in it.”  Unexpectedly, he took my hand.  Why do we have to talk about that in a night like this.  Let’s go.  Please allow me to have this dance.  I refused.  I told him directly because I was a handicap.  He said Ah! Ah!  So that was the reason of your arrogance.  His alcohol tolerance made me weary.  This was the second man who made me weary of drinking, after Huyên.  The must-win blood ran in my family, so we tended to be stubborn even in a game.  Hạo told me, it was not for the sake of being fun that I drank the same way your brother did.  You knew Huyên?  Yes, indeed.

  
  

   

  
  

  He was well known for his stubbornness.  The first year I got my job,  I taught one of Huyên’s class.  The first night Huyên came to H., we drank for the first time.  I brought my black and blue face to my room after the fight with those local gangsters.  I heard that story from Huyên.  Did not realize that was you.  Why did you have children so early?  I got married early.  Cẩm Lai was my student.  When I was in D. we often locked in each other’s arms, rolled from the soft grass of the top of the hill to its bottom.  Cẩm Lai’s mother asked me if I had three million dollars.  Seventeen years ago, three millions dollars were not easy to make.  But finally I got to marry Cẩm Lai because she got pregnant with my child.  I often heard Huyên talked about you.  Hải Đường.  So actually we knew each other for 15 years but did not realize so.  I spoke softly: “Please call me Hải only.  I do not like to bear the name of that flower.”

  
  

   

  
  

  Hạo drove me home.  You apparently are mature beyond your age.  Arrogant, confident, you are always in a fierce defense.  Pour a drink for yourself.  You have not taken a sip of the drink I got for you.  When I was in the car, the blaring wind reminded me that I did not inform Tần that I would get a ride from Hạo to go home.  You did not tell her either.  So what did you hear about the gossip from us?  We are  separated now.  Listen to you, it seem that you are still in love with her.  I closed my eyes and felt as if something so shattered that were unrecoverable.  The feeling of someone to be pushed from the top to the bottom of a dune.  What happened to me?  I asked Hạo to stop the car and let me out.  He braked and held my hand.  What happened?  Nothing.  It was near my home.  I just want to take a walk.  He locked the car.  I want to walk with you.  The way he said was like an order as Huyên often did to me.  Huyên the beloved brother I was going to lose to his new wife.  Out of the blue, I felt tired of every things, things that I had or lost.  Life or death.  Life was a flash of impermanence.  We walked slowly next to each other in silence.  Like a pair of long time friends.  Weird isn’t it.  Why am I here?  Circadas sounded sorrowfully in the middle of the grass.  Wind flipped my hair on to Hạo’s shoulder.  My skirt was so long that it tripped me up as my feet were draggingly on the grass.  I did not know when or how but we lost our way and ended up at the cemetery.  We circled around to the grave of Hạo’s son.  He stopped there a short time.  The moon shoned a deep red hue on his face to reveal something, which was indescribably mournful.  I stood silently as a statue watching him another statue.  And then, unaware of our own action, we kissed each other.  The kiss was so light, so quick as if it never happened.  But also felt like a long time as long as a mourning.  It was chilly.  After that, I felt calmer and less discouraged.  Kissing was a replacement of a hand shake, or to greet each other so the sadness could be broken up and flowed out to be reduced.  My tears came out.  Where do you come from.  I am here all the time.  Why I do not know you?  Because I do not know you.  We do not know but the trees and bushes know.  Tombs and graves know.  Stars and moon know.  And my son will witness that… I will visit him often.  Hopefully we will coincidentally meet again.  Now, we should say farewell here.  Now, the person who gave order was me.  He stood there.  I turned around quickly and disappeared behind the wall of canes and reeds leading to my house.  I got into the house just to realize that I lost one shoe the same way as Cinderella.  But beyond Huyên and Tần’s expectation, this Cinderella did not meet a young prince but the prince’s father.  Tần sat there waiting already.  My mother was scolding her for losing me when I walked in.  I am here.  I am here as a whole piece.  I just lost a lot in the rhythm of running when I ran home.  You could not have known.  How could you understand what was in my soul.
  
  

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