June 1, 2005

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  BLOODY MOON – FINAL

  
  

   

  
  

  Days after days were gone.  Waves sometimes seemed to be able to drive me crazy.  But the sea water calmed me down.  I still did not swim to the island Hống.  Once in a while I almost met Hạo’s wife at the boy’s grave.  Her black outfit complimented her sorrowful beauty.  Cẩm Lai, the name a rare wood.  I knew Hạo still loved her so much.  No wonder he was so sad.  But that had nothing to do with me.  Do you really need to know?  Hạo had asked.  If I was asked now, I would answer.  Yes, very much.  I did not know why, but I needed to.

  
  

   

  
  

  One night I dreamed to swim to the island.  There were many sharp stones in the blood color next to the rough shellfish’ s shells.  Huyên was already standing on the top of the cliff.  He pulled my hand that clung to the cliff off.  The stones were sharp to cut on a side of my breast.  Still strong like a large fish, I leisurely swam to the shore.  There was Hạo’s voice calling behind me.  But the waves were so strong to push us apart.  We never caught up to each other.  Then I dreamed that I stood in front of a large mirror.  My shirt fell apart.  I held a piece of gauge to care for my wound, but the cut was so pretty that I kept staring at it to admire.  Blood seeped out into a red line, stopped at the nipple made it looked like a red rose full of bloody thorns.  And then I kissed myself.  The red rose shattered.  The kiss was as cold as the smell of mercury in the mirror.

  
  

   

  
  

  Sometimes I dreamed vaguely that Hạo’s son looked for me.  Why did you often visit my grave?  Because I obsessed with your mother and I kissed your father.  I do not like that.  Why don’t you come to visit me just because you like me.  For that reason, then I could not come, little boy.  But that was only a dream.  Really,  I often visited the grave but turned away every time I saw people there.  One time Hạo saw me.  He chased after me but always got lost in the middle of rows of canes and reeds.  Wild ducks were shaken in their nests, flew up, their quacking sounds were full in the sky.  In the midst of the sound, there was a low, soft, and weak of Hạo’s voice: “Hải, Hải, where are you, please let me see you.”  It was not much different from the voice I heard in my dream.

  
  

   

  
  

  The four of us, Huyên, Tần, my mom and I, lived together.  We seemed contented and happy.  We would leave this place soon.  Huyên joined the Army.  I was sent to boarding school.  Thể Tần was moved to another workplace up in the central highland.  Mom would live with Tần.  There were many nights I rearranged the gifts I got from Huyên.  A section of a finger was preserved with formaldehyde.  A preserved hand that was flattened in to the shape of a flower, pensée.  Thought of me.  Is that necessary.  Night, the wind still howled over the deserted and wild dunes behind my house and flew over and around the canes and reeds amidst the swamp and cemetery.  And waves, waves still groaned and moaned all desparated sounds in a very indifferent way.  And the stars, still thickest and darkest sky.  That was the end of my last bloody moon at P.

  
  

   

  
  

  Luckily, I was the first to leave my home.  Huyên had a party to see me off.  Saving the last detail for me as a surprise, he invited Hạo.  Huyên also did the cooking.  The barbecue he made was a wonder.  Completed with garlic, cinnamon, five spices,  and curry… A few bottles of Mai Quế Lộ (Vietnamese rice wine) were digged up…The deeper into the night the more I was afraid of Huyên’s calmness and the inanity in Hạo’s face.  Under the direction of Huyên, he laughed and cried like a child.  My respect for him disappeared the same as the sadness in his eyes were gone without a trace.  Huyên was as cruel as a sorcerer.  His eyes were full of bloody veins, as though alcohol were poured into those two dreadful holes.  I could not stand that any more.  I ran to the back of the house.  I saw Tần sat and cried next to the pile of the field rat’s furs, I thought she understood vaguely.  But me, I understood everything.  I scratched my throat until almost created a hole still could not induce to throw up the aromatic barbecue I ate earlier.  Hạo was staggered and gesticulated toward the gate and fell sprawlingly between stony steps.  Huyên threw out a blanket.  I looked up.  They were not the two fire eyes.  They were the two cruelest and bloodiest moon and mournful eyes that would follow me all the rest of my life.  In the trip to go far away tomorrow, I would not have to worry about what could go wrong.  In exchange, there would be the emptiness of love.  Hạo! Hạo!  And whoever would come into my life later.  Please forgive me.  Please forgive my brother and me.

  
  

   

  
  

    

  
  

   

  
  

   

  • 8:15 pm
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